


even if your heart can't take it

by attolians (annber)



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Found Family, Idiots in Love, M/M, Pining, Soulmate AU, elements of eddie begins used at my discretion, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:01:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23939563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annber/pseuds/attolians
Summary: Because it’s not as simple as when you see your soulmate for the first time. Or the first time you touch. No, that would be too easy.Instead, it’s a spark. A shock. A jolt to the system.But you don’t just have one. You have sparks throughout your entire life. You spark with family and with friends – platonic love.Eddie had felt such an electric surge in his chest the first time he’d held Christopher he almost dropped his newborn son..:. .:. .:.aka the soulmate au where Eddie expects Buck to have realized™ they're soulmates after Eddie nearly dies and is disappointed to find that nothing has changed between them
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 517





	even if your heart can't take it

**Author's Note:**

> I know I did not come up with this concept but I cannot remember where I read it so my apologies if this is super similar to other fics already out there!!

Eddie’s not sure what time it is when he stumbles out of bed.

Really – he’s not even sure what woke him. Until he opens the door that is.

Buck fills the doorframe and while he’s got a couple inches on Eddie; it doesn’t seem like it now.

The very second Eddie meets Buck’s eyes he knows what’s happened.

It’s a jolt of electricity at the base of his skull, a _spark_ , and it shoots down his spine. He drags in a breath and just barely manages to breathe out;

“ _Evan._ ”

All of Eddie’s exhaustion, his bone tired weariness from swimming out of that tunnel, falls away. He shuffles forward half a step but Buck meets him. They collide; chests pressing together. Buck’s arms wrap firmly around Eddie’s back and Eddie thinks if it wasn’t for that he’d already have collapsed.

When their lips meet Eddie feels _home_ in a way he’s never felt. 

Buck’s arms tighten around him and Eddie’s fists catch in the stiff fabric of Buck’s jacket.

Eddie doesn’t have to wonder. There aren’t any questions left.

Buck is feeling the same thing Eddie is.

Eddie knows he is. He knows it as easy as he knows how to breathe. Because Buck is Eddie’s soulmate.

It’s not like Eddie’s been actively searching for his soulmate.

He’d sort of thought he’d left that behind after Shannon. In fact, he’d pretty much accepted that he was just going to be one of the mismatches. One of the ones who just settles for what they’ve already got.

With Buck…the idea hadn’t seemed so bad.

It’s not that Eddie’s not elated. He could actually cry with how happy he is.

This is just…unexpected. He’d figured that if it was Buck they’d have known by now.

Because it’s not as simple as when you see your soulmate for the first time. Or the first time you touch. No, that would be too easy.

Instead, it’s a spark. A shock. A jolt to the system.

But you don’t just have one. You have sparks throughout your entire life. You spark with family and with friends – platonic love.

Eddie had felt such an electric surge in his chest the first time he’d held Christopher he almost dropped his newborn son.

In fact, Eddie’s sparked with Buck before.

But it wasn’t anything like this or nearly as strong. They didn’t flare _together_ like this.

“Do you – um – want to come in?” Eddie manages to ask.

He’s breathless, giddy, and greedy.

Buck chuckles.

“Yeah, I wanna come in, Eddie. What do you think?”

Eddie grins, taking Buck’s hand in his. Their fingers twine, he turns to pull Buck inside, and –

He wakes up.

Eddie immediately closes his eyes.

He wishes the dream back with all his might; even knowing it’s pointless.

When that doesn’t work, Eddie sighs and drags the spare pillow over his face.

…

Thankfully, Eddie’s got a few days off.

But that doesn’t prevent him from hearing from Buck…thankfully.

**_you’d better be getting plenty of rest Edmundo <<_ **

**_> > I’m on the couch right now_ **

**_good <<_ **

**_I’m having food sent over <<_ **

Eddie feels warm at the news, smiling quickly.

He has to pull his head down from the clouds though.

Buck’s his best friend. Of course he wants to take care of Eddie.

It doesn’t mean anything has changed between them. It doesn’t mean Buck’s sparked.

There’s nothing like a near death experience to put things into perspective.

Eddie still remembers, viscerally, the night Buck had been pinned beneath that ladder truck.

It hadn’t been when he’d sparked. No, that was a couple weeks later – when they hugged at his ceremony.

Still, Eddie will never forget the all encompassing fear that gripped him when Buck was under that truck.

The fact remains – if Buck is his soulmate…if he’s _ever_ going to spark for Eddie – it has to be now.

Doesn’t it?

…

Buck heads straight to Eddie’s house when he gets off.

He’d already put an order in for dinner but he was hoping to beat it there.

If anyone knows Eddie, it’s Buck. So, Buck knows his best friend is going to protest the pampering but he doesn’t _care_.

After everything that’s happened in the past 48 hours Buck thinks he’s entitled.

Eddie’s one of the most important people in Buck’s life. Even if he hasn’t said it out loud…ever.

Maybe he doesn’t need to.

But Eddie is…he’s more than Buck’s best friend. He’s the closest Buck has ever felt to a soulmate spark.

The thing of it is – Buck spent a lot of his life having no idea what these sparks and shocks were supposed to feel like.

He didn’t feel them with his parents. He wasn’t even sure he could remember sparking with Maddie – by the time he understood it he’d forgotten what that initial surge felt like.

Sure, he’d had crushes in school. He’d dated. But it was never more than a weak flicker.

Buck had even considered that there was something broken in him – that he wasn’t able to spark.

But then – oh then.

He met Eddie. He met Christopher.

The two most powerful sparks of Buck’s life.

Now he can recognize the currents with Bobby, Chim, Hen, and Maddie. He feels their little network of fate and love.

Buck had waited so _long_.

Even after Abby had left, Buck was sure he would get a spark. Each time they spoke on the phone – he waited. His fingers shook with anticipation.

Surely, _surely_ , if fate meant anything at all – Abby leaving would be the thing to bring the spark for them.

He would realize – and _she_ would realize – she would come back…and they would be happy.

But that spark had never come.

Instead it came weeks later – after following Eddie out of the back of an ambulance – after _you’re badass under pressure, brother_.

It had literally stolen Buck’s breath. He has no recollection of what he said in response. He just remembers Eddie’s smile and the way the flashing lights were reflecting in his eyes.

So, Buck supposes that Abby had been fate.

She came into his life at the right time. She made him think of all that soulmate stuff again.

Then, he’d met Eddie. His literal, possible soulmate.

The thing of it is – Eddie hasn’t exactly sparked back.

_Maybe he has. Maybe he’s just really good at hiding it._

Buck parks and climbs out of his Jeep, snorting at himself.

_Yeah. Right._

Buck lets himself in, ears perked for any sounds of his favorite child in the world.

It’s alarmingly quiet inside.

Buck goes to Christopher’s room first, nudging the door open with the toe of his sneaker.

“Bucky!” Christopher whisper yells. He climbs out of his desk chair and makes his way over to hug Buck. “Dad’s asleep,” he adds.

“Oh, yeah?”

Christopher nods sharply.

“Carla said we should let him rest.”

“We should,” Buck agrees. “You think we can set the table without waking him up?”

“Um, yeah! I’m the _best_ at secret missions.”

“Nice!” Buck holds his hand up for a high five, which Christopher eagerly returns.

He tugs his phone out as they make their way to the kitchen, texting the delivery driver to leave the food without ringing the doorbell.

About twenty minutes later Buck makes his way into Eddie’s room.

Eddie’s still asleep, half covered in blankets. His face is gentle and lax in his sleep and Buck can barely resist the urge to reach out and touch him.

If only things were different…

Buck shakes the thought away.

He stalls too much longer and dinner will be cold.

“Eddie.”

Eddie shifts just slightly.

Buck leans over him, shaking his shoulder gently.

“Eddie, wake up. You should eat.”

Eddie inhales sharply.

“Evan?”

Buck blinks, something curling in his stomach at that. He doesn’t have time to linger on it though because Eddie’s already half sitting up.

“Where’s Christopher?”

Buck clears his throat.

“At the table. Waiting for you to get your ass out of bed.”

“I’ll be right out,” Eddie says, rubbing briefly at his eyes.

Buck makes a quick exit, still trying to get his heartbeat back under control.

Dinner is…weird.

Buck keeps catching Eddie looking at him. No, not just looking at him – watching him.

It was almost like he was waiting for Buck to mess something up.

Finally, he has to ask.

“Are you feeling alright?”

Eddie blinks twice quickly before looking back down to his plate.

“Um. Yeah, I mean tired but good. Are you okay?”

“Me?” Buck frowns. “I’m fine.”

“Just…checking.”

Eddie sounds oddly dejected.

“Did you want me to still be worried sick over you?” Buck tries to tease. “I think I had enough of that the other night.”

“No. Of course not.” Eddie sighs. “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“I know. It’s alright.”

They both know Buck probably would have done the same thing. Hell, even Hen knew.

But Buck thinks they both also know that Eddie would do it again.

So, there’s no need to argue about it.

They wouldn’t be potential soulmates if they didn’t understand each other.

…

Life resumes.

Eddie’s quiet for a few weeks but Buck can’t seem to get a real answer out of him about it – so he leaves it alone.

You can’t really force Eddie to do anything. He knows that much.

Buck tries his best to be patient and wait.

He’s never been very good at patience. But…it’s Eddie. So, Buck tries.

…

Buck is cautiously optimistic when Eddie joins him on one of the sofas during some downtime at work.

Until he says,

“You shouldn’t settle,” apropos of nothing.

“Uh,” Buck manages. “What?”

“I know things have been tough,” Eddie says haltingly, like he’s struggling with the words. “And it can be…lonely sometimes. Feeling like you’re waiting for that person. But…you shouldn’t settle. You deserve more.”

Buck blinks back at him, having no idea what to say.

Is he that transparent? Has Eddie figured out that Buck sparked with him? Did Eddie spark with him? But…a platonic spark?

How were you supposed to tell the difference?

Could Eddie tell the difference? Was he trying to tell Buck to move on?

Buck swallows and tries to take a breath.

Is this it? The end of all his feeble hopes?

“I hadn’t really thought about it lately,” Buck lies.

Eddie’s eyes narrow slightly.

“Okay,” he agrees. “It just…seems like you’re waiting.”

_You!_ Buck thinks wildly. _I’m waiting for you!_

Buck feels his chin tremble, betraying him. He ducks quickly, bringing up a hand to brush at his jaw in an effort to hide it.

“Yeah,” he admits after a splintered second. “Yeah, I guess I was.”

“I have been too,” Eddie says. “After Shannon... But it’s okay to move on,” he says, looking unsure for a split second.

“I’ll, um, keep that in mind,” Buck forces out.

He pushes off the couch and heads for the stairs, not looking back. He really needs to find someplace to hide for at least a couple minutes.

The back of the ambulance door opens, making Buck jump.

Hen, in turn, drops the boxes of supplies cradled in her arms.

“Buck! What the hell are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

He’s 85% sure his eyes are still tinged pink though.

“Uh huh,” Hen lets out, flat. She crouches down and gathers up the boxes quickly before climbing in and closing the door behind herself. “Scoot over. I’m not sanitizing the stretcher just because I sat on it for twenty minutes.”

Buck manages not to sniffle, barely, and makes room for her on the bench.

“Now,” Hen sighs, turning to him in the dim light, “what is going on?”

Buck holds out for an admirable two seconds.

“How do you know the difference between a strong spark and you know… _the_ spark?”

Hen lets out a breath.

“Well, have you talked to the person you sparked with?”

“Uh…no. It was…really unexpected when it happened and then I just sort of…never got around to it.”

“Buck. You run into burning buildings for a living.”

“Okay – well – it was really soon after Abby left and I was waiting to spark with her so-”

“Aw, shit,” Hen blurts, cutting him off. “You sparked with Eddie and didn’t tell him?”

Buck’s face flames.

“I, well, it was, I mean,” finally, he sighs, “is it that obvious?”

“Do you want the truth or not?”

That was a _yes_ then.

Which means Eddie did notice. And Eddie wants him to move on.

Buck slumps where he’s seated, covering his face briefly.

“He was just telling me how I need to move on and not settle. It wasn’t _the_ spark. It was just…a strong one.”

“I didn’t say that,” she says, laying a hand on his shoulder. “You should tell him. Get everything out in the open and then see what happens.”

Immediately, Buck shakes his head.

“I can’t do that, Hen. I can’t make this about me. Not when it’s supposed to be about us.”

“It _is_ about both of you. If he’s not your soulmate you need closure to continue the friendship. And if he _is_ your soulmate – boy, you know how emotionally constipated Eddie is! He’ll never get his shit together.”

“He seemed to be doing just fine upstairs,” Buch mutters, crossing his arms over his chest.

Hen snorts.

“He was probably doing what he does best – sacrificing himself. Now, maybe you should do what you do best…”

After only a few seconds of silence, Buck cracks again.

“What do I do best?”

“Jump first.”

Buck wants to argue. But…she makes a good point.

Not to mention, if Eddie was literally _just_ telling him not to settle; he wouldn’t lie about whether or not he felt a spark, right? If he doesn’t want Buck to settle…he wouldn’t let him, right?

He gathers up his courage quickly, rolling it into a tight ball and keeping it in his ribcage. As soon as he takes a deep breath, Hen is on the move.

She more or less dives onto the stretcher she said she wasn’t going to clean again and shoves the door open for him.

“Go get him, Tiger.”

Buck even manages half a smile as he jumps out of the back of the ambulance, landing firmly on both feet.

Then – the alarm blares across the station.

…

Buck cuts the engine of his Jeep and sighs to himself.

Eddie had been surprised when Buck asked to come over after but, as always, not averse to the idea either.

_Jump first,_ Buck reminds himself.

He can do this.

If it’s just a platonic spark…if Eddie’s not the one for him – Hen’s right. He has to know to move on.

He can’t have another Abby in his life. Another maybe that stretches on and on until it aches like a phantom limb each time he thinks about it.

Buck can’t let that happen.

If Eddie’s not the one for him then Buck will just have to be strong enough to make it through.

He’s not giving up.

Nodding to himself, Buck finally climbs out of his Jeep.

He lets himself in with a frisson of fear cradling the nape of his neck. Maybe he’ll be letting himself into this house a lot more often in the future. Maybe…

“Eds?” Buck calls quietly.

Chances are Christopher is asleep by now and if he is – waking to a surprise visit from Buck – it will be a while before they can get him down again.

Eddie comes down the hall in a plain white t-shirt and some red sweats; not what he left the station in.

Buck swallows.

“Hey, man,” Eddie says, scratching at his stomach briefly.

Buck’s eyes track the movement but he’s disappointed to see Eddie’s shirt still covering his stomach completely.

“What’s up?” Eddie continues, drawing his gaze back up. Eddie hesitates and speaks again before Buck can get his thoughts in order. “Did I cross the line earlier? I know we’ve never really talked about soulmate stuff. Plus, we were at work and I really should have-”

“Who do you think I’m waiting for?”

Buck thinks he can count on one hand the number of times he’s seen Eddie nervous and it’s got his heart pumping out pure adrenaline.

“Uh,” Eddie lets out, frowning and squinting in confusion. “Abby? A-Ali? …Taylor Kelly?” The last name doesn’t escape his lips without a slight growl.

Buck can’t help it, he grins at Eddie.

“Really?” he prompts. “Taylor Kelly? Who I knew for two weeks? That’s who you think I’m expecting to spark with?”

Eddie shrugs. A few seconds pass but he doesn’t reply, staying mulishly silent.

“Come on,” Buck teases, “I’m not that oblivious.”

Eddie grumbles something at that. It sounds suspiciously like _could have fooled me_.

“And why are you suddenly concerned with who I’m sparking with anyway?”

Again, Eddie stays silent.

“You’re the one that brought it up,” Buck reminds him, a bit too gleefully, “pretty sure you have to talk about it now.”

“Pretty sure that’s only in Law & Order.”

Buck sighs. His smile only disappears for a brief second, but then it’s back. His cheeks are starting to ache with the strain of how hard he’s smiling. He shuffles a step closer and then another.

“Eddie,” Buck says, hesitating again.

It’s so strange, how _certain_ he is now. There’s been no spark tonight but Buck thinks that the chances he’s wrong are so small that they’re inconsequential.

Everything from the top of Eddie’s head down to his bare toes is all but screaming that he’s Buck’s.

Somehow, somewhere – things went wrong. They didn’t spark at the same time and who knows why? But Buck doesn’t care about that anymore.

He wants to remember everything about this moment. He wants to remember the first moment he _knew_.

“I felt the spark so fast it was embarrassing,” Buck tells him. He keeps his voice quiet and serious. It’s a lot like his voice when he’s on a scene actually. He needs Eddie to know this isn’t a joke. “I never sparked that strongly with anyone,” Buck continues. “And I didn’t know what it meant. I didn’t know what it meant when I sparked with Christopher. You were still married and I hadn’t even gotten over Abby yet but then there you were and there was this _thing_. I swear, Eddie, it felt like watching a shooting star. And I didn’t get it then. But I think…I think I get it now.”

“When the _fuck_ did you spark, Evan?” Eddie demands. His voice is tight with anger and another time it might have worried Buck. But, he snorts in response. He’s still sure that he’s got this right.

“After we pulled that grenade out of that dude’s leg. When did you spark?”

But Eddie doesn’t answer him. He hurls himself across the space between them, crashing into Buck and kissing him.

It’s not one big spark like Buck was expecting.

Instead, it’s thousands – hundreds of thousands – of teeny, tiny sparks. They’re everywhere; all across his body. They buzz and pop over his skin like bubbles in champagne. Between his toes like sand. Inside his nose like the first sip of seltzer water. Up the nape of his neck like static electricity.

His eyes well and Buck has to break away to catch his breath.

“This is real, right? You feel that too?”

Eddie grins, showing Buck the goosebumps all across his forearms.

“I feel it too.”

“You’re mine.”

Finally, Buck understands. He understands how and why he sparked with each member of his family.

“You’re mine,” Eddie responds. “And Christopher’s. Should we wake him?”

“Are you crazy?” Buck laughs. “We’re soulmates and those sweatpants are gonna take like two seconds to come off. We can tell him in the morning.”

With that, he takes Eddie’s hand and tugs him back down the hall.

“Let’s not talk about our son and me getting naked in the same sentence, okay Cariño?”

_Our son._

“Noted,” Buck allows, pushing open Eddie’s bedroom door. “I’m new at this – but I’m a quick learner.”

“I’m counting on it.”

…

Buck sends out a group text in the morning – after they’ve told Christopher.

Then, he enjoys a lazy breakfast with his family.

It’s a breakfast he had to cook, because Eddie’s abysmal, but Buck doesn’t really mind.

It sort of makes them match.

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiiii thank you so much for reading!! I'm [ here ](https://getbvcked.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, come say hi :D


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